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  • Writer's pictureErisa Lewis

Who are YOU? & Who do you WANT to be?

A lot of people have trouble relating to people in their personal lives because they focus on WHO they are to other people or they fear how others perceive them to be. I had been a victim of this critical thinking for some time, in my past, until the day I said, "ENOUGH"! The only reason I came to this epic moment in my thoughts of self esteem was due to the patterns of choices I made, that kept recycling themselves into my social world. I kept myself attached to an insecurity that I had to kill. That insecurity led me to entertain a person I knew was toxic for me.

The toxic voice of that insecurity repeatedly offended my ears by telling me I wasn't important enough or that the achievements I had already fought hard to accomplish wasn't relevant compared to the next professional person.

I thought I did great until that insecurity made me compare myself to what I thought I should have been in the sight of others or someone I was dating at the time.

I would begin to sabotage my relationship because I felt irrelevant and incomplete. I didn't want someone to look down on me for any reason at all, and I didn't want to feel like I had to be with someone with more than me because I couldn't get more for myself. I felt paralyzed by their needs or wants in the relationship instead of my own. I quickly ended those types of relationships because I didn't know how to overcome this. Sabotage was all I knew.

I think it's because of my childhood days in school, when I had to face racism and bullying everyday, while being the only black girl in my elementary class.

As a woman, I had to shake this insecurity. I didn't want to feel inferior anymore, I would always think that I wasn't good enough or contributing enough.

One day I just locked myself in the bathroom and unraveled. I shouted out everything that I hated about myself and I asked myself WHY I HATED IT? I was a tearing mess in shambles. After I had cried my eyes swollen I saw the most ugly woman staring back at me. Her name was SELF-HATRED.

It didn't matter how the hate got there or how long it was there, I just wanted her gone.

I chose to repair one thing about me at a time. All the physical or mental changes I felt I needed to make to build my esteem UP is what I did.

I started with my hair and how it looks naturally, so I dropped relaxers completely, it was already beautiful. I wanted to see my face with the bare minimum of makeup, since my daughter always smiled when she said I looked better without it. I started buying clothes that I felt pretty in and doing a hobby that put a smile on my face, and lastly I went back to school to gain another career profession that I was proud of being.

My self esteem went through the roof and I was mad with myself at how long it took for me to get to this point. I should have done this sooner!

I was hindering my own self. My life wasn't about what others thought. It was about WHAT I THOUGHT!

I'm so happy because I feel good in my own skin. Who I am and how I feel is important to me and NO ONE can take the smile off my face because they didn't put it there. I did! ....and now it shows on the outside! Confidence up girls!

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